Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, largely pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many homosexual males engage in open relationships, but from my observations, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. In many ways, I desire another man to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
